Newly released emails from Dr. Anthony Fauci show that none other than Kentucky Senator, Rand Paul is his biological father.
After word leaked that BuzzFeed was going to randomly insert Fauci’s emails inside of a slideshow titled “17 Cats That Look Like Fried Chicken” congress scrambled to fly Maury Povich in to make the official announcement.
“When it comes to Anthony Fauci,” Maury said while opening the envelope, “Dr. Rand Paul–you ARE the father!” Elected officials erupted after Maury’s reveal and security had to stop Democrats from reflexively throwing chairs at each other.
After a closer look at Paul and Fauci’s many memorable heated exchanges, the news is not particularly surprising. Every time Paul’s questioning made Fauci cry, and at one point, Paul even demanded Fauci call him ‘daddy’.
In one of the emails, Dr. Fauci seems to ask his colleagues to help him appear to be useful before his next Senate hearing. “Come on, you guys! You know all about gain of function research. I desperately need to gain a function before I see Rand Paul again,” Fauci wrote in a panic.
Following the news, Paul has agreed to list Anthony as a dependent on his taxes and promised to take him to the baseball hall of fame.
“Tony’s a good kid, but he just acts like a little turd all the time,” Paul commented. “I think he should go out for the wrestling team next fall. Ya know, toughen the little guy up.”