On Tuesday Bernie Sanders checked his credit score and was outraged to learn it was: Potato. “Potato?!” the senator yelled. “I knew it!” A representative at FICO told The Glorious American they were unsure how a potato became an option for Sanders, but when they entered in his info, the score came back “potato” every…
Category: Elections
Hillary Still Getting Caught With Bernie’s 2016 Delegates
Hillary Clinton and the DNC would like to move on from their well-publicized rigging of the 2016 primaries. However, authorities in Chappaqua keep catching Hillary with Bernie Sanders’ delegates. Around 6am last Wednesday, police stopped Clinton’s car. “She began acting a bit more unlikable than usual,” said Officer Sean McFaul. “I was trying to talk…
Bernie Updates His Label To “Democratic Socialist Who-Won’t-Flatten-You-With-Government-Vehicle”
This morning Senator Bernie Sanders was forced to expand his label from “Democratic Socialist“ to “Democratic Socialist who-won’t-flatten-you-with-government-vehicle.” When reached for comment, Sanders explained, “There is so much misinformation about what I stand for! Making this simple clarification should reassure my belief that NO American should be mowed over with a vehicle!” Despite Sanders’ statement,…
Democrats Know: Blue-Collar Voters Will Vote For Whoever’s Sleeves Are Rolled Up Highest
After hundreds of hours in focus groups and talking with media elites, the Democrat candidates believe they finally understand what blue collar voters want: to see their sleeves rolled up. “Liberals are so sick of that out-of-touch man in the White House, they seem willing to show a ton of forearm to those..those coal miners…
Joe Biden’s 2020 Campaign Slogan Draws Criticism
Shortly after Joe Biden formally announced his 2020 Presidential run, his campaign released their slogan, “Hide yo kids, Hide yo wife” and immediately faced backlash. “We just felt we should take Joe’s biggest liability and use it to our advantage” said Biden’s campaign manager Dawn Mason. “The first thing other Democrats are going to do…