During Tuesday’s debate, Elizabeth Warren received some criticism for appearing too reluctant on using nuclear weapons. To clear up any confusion her campaign decided to clarify her stance by releasing a handy flowchart for all voters to see. “A responsible person should be transparent when detonating nuclear weapons,” Warren told The Glorious American. “At least…
Category: Elections
Candidates Now Blame Poor Performance On Marianne Williamson Giving Them A Contact High
As the dust settles from Tuesday’s Democratic debate, many of the candidates feel they need to answer for their poor performances. “It was that damn kook Williamson!” Tim Ryan exclaimed. “She was baked outta her mind and gave us all a contact high!” Ryan’s claim, as odd as it sounds, is not being dismissed. Many…
CNN Reinforcing Camera Lenses In Case Cory Booker Stares Directly At Them During Debate
CNN can be called many things but unprepared isn’t one of them. A source close to the network has told The Glorious American that CNN is reinforcing each of their TV camera lenses in case Cory Booker stares directly at them. Booker suffers from a rare disability eye doctors call: “Insane Eye Balls” or IEB.…
Sanders, “If Staffers Donate The Money From Their Raise Back Into Campaign, WE’LL BE RICH!”
Earlier in the week, Bernie Sanders suffered the most embarrassing news cycle of his career. News broke that, despite Sanders imploring all workers receive at least $15 per hour, he was only paying his staff around $13 per hour. But while many expected the Senator to get discouraged over the bad press, Sanders stumbled upon…
Pete Buttigieg Promises To Cure Turkey Neck If Elected
Democrat presidential hopeful and media darling, Pete Buttigieg, has vowed to completely cure Turkey Neck if elected. This follows the pattern set by Joe Biden who promised to cure cancer if elected. “Curing cancer will probably get all the headlines,” Mayor Pete said. “But if you or a loved one has suffered from looking like…