Economic Archives | Page 17 of 18 | The Glorious American

Unable To Grant Full Reparations, White People Opt To Extend $100 itunes Gift Card

Although the idea of offering reparations to Black Americans has picked up steam, it was recently decided such payments would not be made. However, the nation’s white people have agreed to offer the next best thing: a $100 itunes gift card. “We think this is a great compromise,” Alison Kimball of Green Bay told The…

Local Cat Informs Sleep Number Store No Number Will Work For Him

A local house cat has informed Sleep Number that no matter how they adjust the firmness of the mattress, there’s just no number that will work for him. “I’ve been here for 6 years and I’ve never seen this,” said Sleep Number rep Jake Coleman. “I would go softer, and he would just scowl. I’d…

Joe Biden Reassures Americans He Would Bludgeon Them With Higher Taxes If Elected

There was an audible sigh of relief on Saturday when Joe Biden told an Iowa crowd that, if elected, he would jack up their taxes. “Thank goodness,” said local UPS driver Tommy Griffin. “My friends and I find ourselves with gobs of extra cash at the end of the month and Joe’s finally going to…

Bernie Sanders Angry To Learn His Credit Score Is: Potato

On Tuesday Bernie Sanders checked his credit score and was outraged to learn it was: Potato. “Potato?!” the senator yelled. “I knew it!” A representative at FICO told The Glorious American they were unsure how a potato became an option for Sanders, but when they entered in his info, the score came back “potato” every…

Unemployment Rate So Low, Department Of Labor Just Names The 6 People Not Working

On Friday, the Department of Labor released names of the six unemployed Americans actively looking for work. “This unusual announcement was due to how low the unemployment rate has fallen and we thought this would just be easier,” said Labor Secretary Ray Harris. As the economy continues to roar, the following citizens are the last…