Climatologists everywhere feel their message to the public is being diluted by a pack of Polar Bears wearing MAGA hats. “We want to make one thing clear to these awful Polar Bears,” said Professor Doug Thomas of University of Chicago. “You’re not helping!” he concluded. While scientists admit the polar bear population is increasing, they…
Category: World & Weather
First-Ever International NBA Finals Means National Anthem Will Be Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”
A little known NBA rule states that, in the event of an international Finals matchup, the national anthem will be “Ironic,” the 1995 hit by Canadian singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette. Understanding the public doesn’t want to sit through two separate national anthems, a 1995 game operations committee decided “Ironic” was the only song that truly captured…
Bernie Updates His Label To “Democratic Socialist Who-Won’t-Flatten-You-With-Government-Vehicle”
This morning Senator Bernie Sanders was forced to expand his label from “Democratic Socialist“ to “Democratic Socialist who-won’t-flatten-you-with-government-vehicle.” When reached for comment, Sanders explained, “There is so much misinformation about what I stand for! Making this simple clarification should reassure my belief that NO American should be mowed over with a vehicle!” Despite Sanders’ statement,…