AUBURN, AL — Initially, it appeared a red 1998 Volkswagon Beetle had won the 2024 Miss Alabama beauty pageant.  But after further inspection, it was learned the humongous thing on stage was an actual woman.  Those viewing the pageant on television were most confused when many of them believed a Godzilla movie had interrupted the…

BEAVERTON, OR– It was a touching scene at Beaverton High School on Friday when all the CRT graduates celebrated by throwing their white, pointy caps into the air. “May your pointy caps float as high as Portland’s murder rate!” the principal yelled as the state-issued hoods flew up in unison. After replacing all the traditional…

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — For years now, Americans have been searching for something as brave and stunning as Jerry Nadler’s suspender straps, and now, it appears the wait is over.  The retailer announced Tuesday that all North American Target locations have opted to undergo woke-affirming surgery, and their balls will be removed effective immediately.   “Sometimes I…

PORTLAND, OR– If Texas thought it could secure its border and pass anti-abortion legislation without any consequences, they were deeply mistaken. As punishment for trying to protect the border and babies, local lawmakers in what’s left of Oregon voted 11-0 to prohibit Texas men from having any sexual relations with Portland women. The bill titled ‘Snatch…