MINNEAPOLIS, MN — For years now, Americans have been searching for something as brave and stunning as Jerry Nadler’s suspender straps, and now, it appears the wait is over.
The retailer announced Tuesday that all North American Target locations have opted to undergo woke-affirming surgery, and their balls will be removed effective immediately.
“Sometimes I don’t know what the founders of this company were thinking. Balls? Profits? Gross! As the head of a major American corporation, there’s one thing you don’t need–and that’s balls. That is, unless an angry Facebook post says otherwise, and then we’ll do what they want,” CEO Brian Cornell yelled to the crowd on hand to see the inaugural surgery.
The cis male crane operator shouted, “We don’t need that!” when a Target manager tried to give him gauze as the touching cutting ceremony concluded.
In a statement, the retail giant says they hope their surgery will inspire every biological male to accept that they’re perfect just as they are. And also, to undergo major experimental operations that will fundamentally change who they are.
While many are applauding the surgery, not everyone is a fan.
“Sometimes it’s fine to just act like a girl, ya know? You don’t have to literally cut your balls off,” Michelle Obama was heard mumbling in the crowd.
Update: Lindsay Graham has graciously offered to keep all 5,640 massive red balls at his South Carolina Ranch.
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