SOUTH CAROLINA – When the United States military decided to dismiss all of their unvaccinated soldiers, they had no idea they’d be left with only the crappy ones, a senior defense official said. The poor marksmen, or markspeople, as they insist on being called, could not shoot down the Chinese spy balloon for nearly a week. “The…
Category: U.S. News
Fumigation Companies Now Offering The ‘Afghanistan-Package’ Where They Forget To Get The People Out First
DOVER, DE — After the fictional President’s decision to leave thousands of Americans behind enemy lines in Afghanistan, many fumigation companies were inspired to create the ‘Biden Package,’ a special option that forgets to get all the people out of the house first before spraying the deadly pesticides. “People don’t understand how much preparation it takes…
Alec Baldwin Argues More Safety Procedures Should Have Been In Place To Prevent Oscar Slap
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Alec Baldwin says he wants to ‘shoot straight’ with the Academy and alert them of some glaring safety shortcomings he witnessed at the Oscars. “I’m watching the awards, and I began thinking, look at how vulnerable everyone is. Sitting ducks,” Baldwin said during a 20/20 interview. “At any moment, some wreckless actor with great…
Antifa Holds Press Conference To Inform Public They’re Not An Official Organization
PORTLAND, OR — In a well-oiled press conference held at their Portland headquarters, Antifa officially announced they could not qualify as terrorists because they’re not real. They’re ‘an idea.’ “We’d like to welcome all you corporatists, Nazi sympathizers, and even the rat bastards who took the time to attend our important announcement today,” Anonymous #1…
Delta Flight Makes Emergency Landing After Conservative Found On Board
MINNEAPOLIS, MN– After a conservative was discovered to be on board, a Delta flight headed for Seattle was forced to make an emergency landing. “I was serving drinks when I found out,” a shaken-up flight attendant said. “I’ve never been that scared in my life, and I’ve been in a plane crash before. Anyway, I was making sure everyone on board…