SOUTH CAROLINA – When the United States military decided to dismiss all of their unvaccinated soldiers, they had no idea they’d be left with only the crappy ones, a senior defense official said. The poor marksmen, or markspeople, as they insist on being called, could not shoot down the Chinese spy balloon for nearly a week.
“The girls and the guys identifying as girls we have left have horrible aim. And most of them are afraid of guns,” the official informed.
Footage of woke soldiers plugging one ear and firing missiles randomly into the sky is circulating. Though dozens of birds, satellites, and commercial airliners have been shot down, nothing came close to hitting the Chinese balloon.
“We’ve been getting made fun of all week for not shooting down the balloon, but we did a lot of our best tries, so shut up and leave us alone!” screamed an emotional Gen. Mark Milley. “Has anyone in the media covered how I can tie a knot in a cherry stem using only my tongue and Pete Buttigieg? Only MSNBC covered that!”
Update: When asked for comment on the whereabouts of any other balloons, Hunter Biden shifted awkwardly in his chair and said, “I’m pretty sure it’s still up there.”
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