PORTLAND, OR — In a well-oiled press conference held at their Portland headquarters, Antifa officially announced they could not qualify as terrorists because they’re not real. They’re ‘an idea.’
“We’d like to welcome all you corporatists, Nazi sympathizers, and even the rat bastards who took the time to attend our important announcement today,” Anonymous #1 began the press conference. “We just want everyone to know it is Antifa’s official position that we are not an organization. To quote Obama, ‘that’s not who we are.’ And I assure you, if any Antifa member tells you otherwise, they will be demoted, stripped of their crowbar, and docked a week’s pay.”
The President of Antifa went on to say because they are simply ‘an idea,’ they could do whatever they wanted.
“You can’t arrest someone for planning a deadly terrorist attack. I’ve never seen a plan in jail–have you?” he asked as the Portland media erupted in laughter along with him.
Then a reporter (who apparently had a death wish) challenged the leader’s statements and held up several documents that showed they were, in fact, a well-run organization. “I’ve got documents, tax records, and hell—we’re in a building with the words ‘Antifa Headquarters’ on the front!” he yelled.
After Anonymous #2 took a glance at the documents, he informed everyone that those were counterfeit. “Those aren’t real because that’s not our official letterhead, so nice try,” he said dismissively.
Update: That reporter was promptly thrown into Antifa’s mobile wood chipper.
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