Due to the riots, Portland’s annual naked bike ride will now require all cyclists to wear head-to-toe body armor; an event rep announced Tuesday. The decision was made after fully clothed Portland citizens were being stabbed, shot, and burnt to a crisp as they walked through the once-peaceful city (1902). “The most important thing for our…
Category: Sports News
Taliban To Host WNBA All-Star Game To Prove Their Inclusiveness
It’s nice to finally hear some good news, and we got some late Tuesday. The leaders of the Taliban are insisting Afghanistan host the 2022 WNBA All-Star game to prove their newfound inclusiveness towards women. “Bring them now to us,” a Taliban leader firmly said. “The jumping women who always bounce ball off foot–bring them here immediately.”…
Aspiring Olympian Prepares For 2024 Games By Quitting Game Of Monopoly
Ten-year-old Ava Larson put in a solid day of Olympic training Wednesday after abruptly quitting a game of Monopoly to focus on her mental health. Ava, who hopes to compete as a gymnast in the 2024 games, stormed off after her stupid brother took the top hat and then bought all the railroads. She spoke…
LeBron James’ Space Jam 2 Goes Straight To VHS
The opening weekend of Michael Jordan’s 1996 Space Jam grossed over $27 million. LeBron James’ attempt at a remake is just gross. Therefore Warner Bros. has made the unique decision to send Space Jam 2 straight to VHS. Many suspect the new version has suffered because LeBron and the Toons lose in the first round of the playoffs, which gives James plenty…
