On Wednesday morning, ABC announced the addition of former White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, to next season’s “Dancing with the Stars” cast. On Friday morning, the roving pitchfork-wielding gang of protestors outside ABC headquarters had the network executives withdrawing the invitation to Spicer. “We decided that Sean Spicer is just a little too political…
Category: Media & Tech
CNN Statement To Americans: 'Disagreeing With Us Is Exactly Like Screaming The N-Word'
After video of Chris Cuomo’s combative exchange with a heckler surfaced, the CNN network wasted no time in educating American citizens on what conduct will be tolerated. On Wednesday afternoon, CNN released a brief and direct memo intended for all Americans. Titled ‘We’re smart and we want respect’ the memo explicitly instructs everyone to agree…
Hide-And-Seek Champion Goes Undetected For 12 Weeks Posing As CNN Anchor
This year, the annual Hide-and-go-seek championship was held in Atlanta, Georgia and 6 year old, Jeremy Dawson went home with the trophy. Jeremy, from Buffalo, NY won the competition in record-breaking fashion by sneaking into the nearby CNN studios and hosting a prime-time nightly show. Despite being on national TV every weeknight, Jeremy went completely…
CNN Reinforcing Camera Lenses In Case Cory Booker Stares Directly At Them During Debate
CNN can be called many things but unprepared isn’t one of them. A source close to the network has told The Glorious American that CNN is reinforcing each of their TV camera lenses in case Cory Booker stares directly at them. Booker suffers from a rare disability eye doctors call: “Insane Eye Balls” or IEB.…
Twitter Retroactively Bans Betsy Ross For What She Probably Would Have Said
On Monday, Twitter announced they have made the decision to retroactively ban Betsy Ross from their platform. The seamstress somehow managed to escape criticism for 240 years but earlier in the month Nike zeroed in on Ross and exposed her little-known “American Flag” project to the world. The shock of this flag has sent ripples…