WASHINGTON, DC — Thinking he was watching CNN, Joe Biden found himself watching the 2003 Christmas classic Elf. The fictional president instantly became enamored with the movie’s star, Buddy the Elf. “Jean-Pierre! Come quick! CNN’s done it again! They’ve found perhaps the world’s most distinguished statesman,” he yelled to his press secretary. As they…
Category: Biden
Biden Orders National Guard To Spread Christmas Cheer By Force
WASHINGTON, DC – Dressed like an elf, a frustrated Karine Jean-Pierre angrily announced that Americans would need to show their government-issued ‘Jolly Passport’ to prove they are filled with the appropriate levels of glee this holiday season. Also, the National Guard dressed in Santa hats will go door-to-door to extract this holiday joy by force.…
Secret Service Starting To Question Hunter Biden’s White House Christmas Decorations
WASHINGTON, DC — We all remember the first family agreeing to let Ukrainian oil and gas expert Hunter Biden decorate the White House over the years. But now, many secret service agents are questioning Hunter’s ‘winter wonderland’ theme. “We’re pretty sure he found a way to store over eight hundred pounds of crack cocaine all…
Report: Biden To Only Pardon The Parts Of Turkey With Dark Meat
WASHINGTON, DC — The turkey pardon tradition quickly turned into another partisan scene when Joe Biden angrily told the bird, “If you didn’t vote for me—then you ain’t dark meat.” Moments before the turkey was brought out, Biden angrily asked his staff if this particular bird was ‘Ultra MAGA.’ The fictional president then explained how…
White House To Impose 1-Day Lockdown On Tuesday So They Can Take Credit For All 158 Million Jobs Coming Back On Wednesday
WASHINGTON, DC—For those in need of some positive economic news, fictional president Joe Biden will mandate a lockdown of all businesses for one day starting on Tuesday. When asked, Biden said the stay-at-home order was because “The monkey pop is coming, and no one’s butt is safe.” But skeptics believe the real reason was given…