It’s me/zi/zoy again, Libby McTardo, and I’m literally shaking right now. Why? Because my idiot roommate, Blake stopped letting me use his HBO Max login. And I’m left wondering if this is January 6th all over again.
As many of you know, I spent lockdowns with my last roommate, Twilight the pansexual. I wouldn’t let her leave the apartment because I was afraid she’d die of COVID. But the virus eventually claimed her life seconds after she jumped out our 56th-floor window. She was survived by her lover, a 14” non-stick aluminum pan.
So I was FORCED to move in with Blake, the cis male. (Thanks a lot capitalism!) Long story short, he changed his HBO Max login after I spent the weekend graciously pointing out all of his flaws.
Hours later, when I saw the app say “Incorrect username or password” on my iPhone it was January 6th all over again. Except this was far more violent. I actually did beat him with a fire hydrant and flag pole. Blake stole my entertainment just like Chip Gaines stole Nancy Pelosi’s lectern. When I started to freak out, Blake told me to “stay calm and be peaceful.” JUST LIKE TRUMP SAID BEFORE THE CHARGE INTO THE CAPITOL! And we all know what he meant by that. Oh, if only Ray Epps had been able to stop those rioters. But he did all he could, bless his innocent heart.
He told me I can use his login again if I stopped “being such a Hillary Rodham Clinton.” I told him he couldn’t sweet-talk me into submission like that.
Because I’m a liberal democrat, I did the honorable thing. I used his debit card to donate to the Canadian Truckers and all of his finances were frozen in less than an hour. Now no one’s watching HBO Max. The lesson here? I am one strong, capable, and independent woman. So Blake had better figure out how to get his assets back before the rent is due because I am one zi/zoy worthy of supporting.
Libby is a brilliant Op-Ed contributor to The Glorious American. Please view her other work here:
- Why Was Kyle Reddenbocker Allowed To Shoot 30 Black People With An AR-51 After Giving Aaron Rodgers Horse Dewormer? By Libby McTardo
- We Hear COVID Has Killed Thousands Of Women & Men. But What About The Other 62 Genders?
- Why New York’s Botched Mayoral Election Only Proves Elections Cannot Be Botched
- How Can You Call Me A ‘Limousine Liberal’ If I Drive The Audi Q8 My Dad Bought Me?
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