, ,

Beto O’Rourke Quits Presidential Run, Returns to Life of Drunk Driving

Beto O’Rourke Quits Presidential Run, Returns to Life of Drunk Driving

It’s every Democrat’s dream to win the presidency and rule over the loathsome citizens (and non-citizens) of America. So one can imagine the heartbreak Beto O’Rourke felt when he was forced to drop out of the presidential race last week due to the fact that everyone hates him.

“It’s tough,” a solemn O’Rourke told The Glorious American. “I thought we ran a clean campaign so I’m still a bit confused that I didn’t poll better. We looked at every issue facing the American people and I aggressively took the most unpopular side. Textbook far-left radical strategy,” he said shrugging.

But it’s not all bad for the former congressman. Quitting the grueling schedule of a presidential run has opened up a ton of free time.

“So I’m back on the ol’ road again,” O’Rourke said cheerfully as he carefully poured some Grey Goose into a flask.

“Well, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a road,” Beto clarified. “Could be a cornfield, the sidewalks of a framer’s market, anything really. I just love that I’ve now got the time to throw a few back, grip the steering wheel and just see where I wake up the next morning. Amiright?!” Beto yelled while trying to give us a high-five.

As O’Rourke tried to explain the specific euphoria of driving into oncoming traffic on the freeway, ex-staffers physically pulled him away and the interview ended there.