NEW YORK– The crew over at the Fox News Decision Desk continues to impress as they immediately called a 100-meter sprinting race after one inch had been completed.
It was a fourth of a second after the starter’s pistol fired when Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum sat up in their chairs as the Fox “alert” graphic made a dramatic sound.
“Ok, everyone. We’re just now getting word that Stephen Young has won the race. We’re calling it now. It’s done. Everyone stop looking at the race,” Bret Baier said before throwing it to Bill Hemmer.
“We’re calling it for Stephen Young because take a look right here,” Hemmer said, zooming into a still shot of the runner. “Ok, right here is Stephen’s knee. Just north of his shin. You see this slight lead his knee has over the other sprinters? Fox News has determined this one-inch lead will simply be insurmountable based on our modeling.”
Katie Pavlich then interjected and asked why everyone at Fox was being so “deliberately stupid and corrupt.”
“Katie, if you don’t understand, you’re probably a Russian agent,” Hemmer sighed. “What you don’t know is that Stephen already won because a poll said he always turns the last corner super fast, probably. Plus, we think a pipe in the bathroom has just burst.”
Despite the other racers eventually passing Stephen, Fox News held firm on their prediction. “Oh, here comes the wild and dangerous conspiracy theories now,” Chris Wallace moaned. “Anyone saying Stephen isn’t the winner hurts sports, the Olympics, and most importantly, my feelings.”
Update: Wallace became so upset, he requested a call from Joe Biden to comfort him with a lullaby.
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