CHEYENNE, WY— Liz Cheney, known for her keen ability to read a room, is offering to pose for Maxim Magazine following her narrow, 86-point primary defeat last night. “I poured my life into representing the stupid Republicans of Wyoming, and this is how these idiots repay my generosity?” Cheney eloquently shrieked to her dad’s friends…
Category: U.S. News
As US-China Relations Worsen, Democrats Ask China What We Should Do
WASHINGTON, DC –As the relationship between the US and China deteriorates, high-ranking democrats have reached out to Chinese President Xi Jinping for advice on the matter. We can report that Nancy Pelosi organized a conference call with Xi Jinping and Chuck Schumer yesterday afternoon. “Thank you for helping us straighten this all out, Mr. Jinping,”…
Family Evicted After House Cat Identifies As Home Owner
PENSACOLA, FL–A judge is upholding the eviction of Peter and Emily Jordan after their house cat identified as the legal homeowner. “We are pleased that the judge respects Pumpkin’s lived experience,” the cat’s lawyer said in front of the courthouse. “That house is all his, especially the bed and sunny spot on the upstairs floor. I personally believe Peter and…
Portland Outlaws Fondue Fountains Claiming They Promote 'Dangerous' Trickle-Down Economic Theory
PORTLAND, OR — Portland City Council has officially outlawed all fondue fountains citing they promote the dangerous idea of trickle-down economics. As expected, many Portlanders are in favor of the ban. “As we all know, a person growing a business to the point where others experience employment opportunities is preposterous,” said Starbucks employee, Carly Nash.…
Teacher Comes Out As Cannibal, Tries To Eat The Students
BUFFALO, NY- To familiarize herself with the students, fourth-grade substitute teacher, Hazel Morris shared that she was an active cannibal and floated the idea of eating some of them. “Well, a little something about me,” Morris began on the Zoom class. “I exclusively eat meat and I love kids. Wow. It’s so good to see all of…