PORTLAND, OR – The owner of Rip City Chop Shop, a famous sex reassignment clinic in Beaverton, is being sued for only offering two genders. The lawsuit called Doctor Hackabunch’s practice a ‘worse-than-Hitler act of outrageous bigotry’ and is seeking a modest sum of just over 14 billion dollars. “I’m sitting in the lobby, and…

LANSING, MI — The Glorious American is deeply saddened to report that, for the eighth year in a row, Michael Moore has been hospitalized after forgetting to remove the candy wrappers before consumption. “Every Easter, we have to pump his stomach,” said an exasperated surgeon. “At this hospital, he’s known as ‘the pelican’ because he’ll eat…

MONTPELIER, VT — Fresh off a month-long press junket promoting his new book, Capitalism Just Doesn’t Work: And I’ll Tell You Why For $39.99, Bernie Sanders began experiencing some mild pain in his abdomen and went in to have it checked out. “So, Mr. Sanders, it appears you’ve built up quite a movement,” Dr. Jacobs…

WASHINGTON, DC — Top Democrats are finally admitting what most Americans have suspected for years: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was only installed into Congress as an attempt to help destigmatize the mentally retarded. According to leaked details, the rise of AOC was a brazen attempt for the Democrat party to fortify the final piece of their victim-centric coalition. “We…

Mt. CRUMPIT — Medical experts now have strong cause to believe that the Grinch suffered from a massive case of myocarditis following his third Moderna shot. Before the discovery, it was widely assumed that the Grinch’s heart rapidly grew three sizes because of his newfound understanding of the meaning of Christmas.  “Unfortunately, we see no…