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Joe Biden To Coal Miners: ‘Better Learn to do Windows 95’

Joe Biden To Coal Miners: ‘Better Learn to do Windows 95’

Fictional President, Joe Biden gave coal miners a super helpful suggestion earlier this week.

“Ya, know…all you guys with your dirty faces and your yucky hammers, listen up!” Biden yelled to a group of angry, New Hampshire coal miners. “When I look at this bunch of 50 and 60-year-old men, I see the future wave of the tech industry! So if I were you I would upload Windows 95 as soon as possible! Under this administration you’ll all be trading in your shovels for joysticks!” he yelled expecting to hear thunderous applause.

“What? Did I forget what state I’m in again? Damn it—are we in Orlando?” Biden nervously asked his aids.

The president was then informed that his comments were offensive and smacked of elitism.

Despite deeply insulting the entire rust belt, White House aids viewed this stop as a success because Biden had not veered off script and there was no mention of being inappropriate with young children. That was until he walked off stage with his mic still on.

“Let’s get outta here. I can never stay in coal country for long anyway,” Biden’s voice mumbled loudly from the speakers. “The black soot dander always turns my blonde leg hair brunette. You think the little kids wanna play with brunette leg hair? I don’t think so. I’ve always hated Orlando, anyways.”

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