Multiple sources are reporting Michael Bloomberg has been wandering a New York shopping mall, holding out his American Express card looking for where he can buy the 2020 presidential election.
Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren have been repeatedly warning about how easy it is for billionaires to “buy an election.” And while Bloomberg can appreciate their point, he’s also wondering who he needs to pay to complete this simple transaction.
“Excuse me, young merchant,” Bloomberg mumbled to an iPhone screen repairman while barely moving his lips. “Are you who I’m supposed to speak to about buying the election? I’m willing to pay handsomely.”
Eventually, a few savvy mall employees saw what the New York billionaire was trying to do and informed him he had better actually campaign and participate in the debates.
Bloomberg chuckled and informed the peasants that Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren routinely explain how simple this process is for a man of his wealth.
“You do realize Hillary spent twice as much as Trump and still lost, right? It’s not all about the money,” a young lady from Wetzel’s Pretzels mentioned to Bloomberg.
“Is this true?” Bloomberg said dropping to his knees. “If Mrs. Wetzel is correct, this means Bernie and Elizabeth are…lying.”
Bloomberg fell forward in dramatic fashion, hitting his forehead on the cold, tile floor.
“HEY! What the?!” he yelled in confusion. “Someone always slides a pillow in there before my head smacks the ground!”
Update: For helping him see the light, the former New York Mayor treated all the young peasants to .32oz ice waters.