HARTFORD, CT – When American children pretend to play war with one another, they will now simply reach into their mother’s purse and steal all the money.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake! I just heard—the North Pole is attacking Neverland. Quick–We need to take all eighty-three dollars from mom’s coin purse!” yelled 11-year-old Cole Lewis to his little sister. “If we don’t fight this war over in Neverland, we’ll be forced to fight it over here.”
When in the heat of battle, the imaginative children are even pressuring fictional lands to chip in.
“We noticed The Hundred Acre Woods haven’t donated sh** to the North Pole yet. You want to explain that, Winnie?! What, you love Captain Hook?! Are you a Hook puppet?! GIVE ME SOME MONEY!” screamed little Ava Lewis into her Playskool phone before throwing it against the wall.
Eventually, the Lewis children had piles of cash spread out on the floor. They explained to their stuffed animals these funds represented a ‘good start’ in protecting democracy, but sadly they needed thousands more.
“We find dad’s wallet at dawn,” whispered Cole angrily.
Update: The classic game of Cowboys and Indians has been updated to selling off large portions of Texas real estate to rectify the land stolen by the white man.
Related Story: Children Now Fear Rich Not Paying Fair Share More Than Monster Under Bed
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