In an emotional speech over the weekend, Joe Biden informed the nation that our beloved Civil War Veterans have sent a clear message with their vote.
“Why did those brave soldiers fight? For freedom? Hell no! They fought so I can run this country the way Susan Rice tells me to!” Biden yelled as the media cheered with euphoria. “They woke up on or around November 4th, frankly the date doesn’t matter, and they cast their vote for me and the camel. We all saw the news footage of them standing in lines with their swords and bayonets. One of the vets actually reached out to me and said, ‘If I give you my vote, will you make sure eight-year-olds can get transgender surgery without their parents’ permission?’ and I said, ‘C’mon man, of course! It’s me, ol’ Scranton Joe!’”
After the news broke that Joe Biden received the overwhelming percentage of Civil War Veteran votes, the media became suspicious.
“Hey, wait a minute. Something’s not adding up here,” the Fox News decision desk said. “Shouldn’t Biden have won all of the Civil War vote? Once it became clear that BidenCare would fully cover dysentery, we projected he’d win 100% of that group.”
Update: While Trump still leads in several battleground states, the electoral votes from the moon are expected to push Joe Biden into victory.