As half the nation celebrates the successful raid and killing of ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, high-ranking military officials are telling The Glorious American it was the President himself who helped locate the notorious terrorist.
After years of intelligence gathering, U.S. Special Operation Forces had no idea of al-Baghdadi’s whereabouts. But that’s when Trump stepped in.
“If I hated America and its people that badly, I’m not totally sure where I’d go,” Trump said. “But I sure as hell know what I’d be watching on TV. CNN all day, baby.”
That idea prompted officials to search for just that.
Soon a radar operator located a single CNN signal in the middle of Northern Syria.
“When you see a television watching CNN, that means it’s an airport,” a General began. “But when we dug a bit deeper, we quickly learned that anyone watching Jake Tapper that consistently must be an international threat. Turns out President Trump was right. It was ISIS headquarters.”
When US Delta Force soldiers invaded the compound, CNN Tonight with Don Lemon was on and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi begged the soldiers to wait until the commercial before taking him out.
“WAIT! Adam Schiff is on after the break promising proof that Trump colluded!!” the terrorist screamed.
They obliged and after several minutes of watching Don Lemon, some of the weaker soldiers asked Bakr al-Baghdadi if he had any extra suicide vests.
Eventually, justice was served and the Special Forces unplugged the TV on the way out, effectively reducing CNN’s rating by a third.