Donald Trump has agreed to allow Ben Shapiro to hop on his back and guide his every move until Election Day, White House officials say. Should the President begin saying something unhelpful to his campaign, Shapiro will lovingly break a violin over his head.
“Ben is very smart, he’s very lightweight and I hear he’s very Jewish,” Trump told the press with Shapiro tightly secured to his back. “It’s something we’ve agreed to try out.”
“Ok. Good Trump—sort of,” Shapiro said into his ear. “Now just say, ‘We’re very pleased with today’s jobs numbers and we hope all Americans are staying safe,’”
“Oh, the jobs numbers. Weren’t those fantastic?” Trump said. “It’s true. I want every American safe and employed. Except you, what’s your name?” he asked a CNN reporter.
“BAD TRUMP! Stop it!” Shapiro said kicking the President as if he had spurs on his shoes. “Don’t say anything to draw attention away from your economy, that is to say, don’t be a complete dumb ass!”
“Ya know what? Ben’s right,” Trump said. “We should keep our eye on the ball. And that’s why, with Ben’s help, we’re going to get to the bottom of Pizza Gate—that I can tell you.”
Then, in one smooth motion, Shapiro smashed a violin over Trump’s head.
“Whoa! What was that? Did I just beat coronavirus again?” a dazed Trump asked.
Update: Ben has been successful in guiding Trump by dangling some Birch Gold out in front of him like a carrot.