In a touching ceremony, the media’s selection for President, Joe Biden, announced that the Dominion voting machines would be asked to handle all the metrics for his 25-day long presidency.
“Economic numbers, COVID deaths, GDP—this little guy is going to tell me all the numbers we want to hear,” Biden said putting his arm around the machine on wheels.
The machine’s handler, a former member of the Hugo Chavez regime, was beaming with pride as he patted the monitor on the head.
“Go on, Joe. Ask him any question,” the handler said while on stage. “As long as the answer is a number, ol’ Dominion will spit out the truth. There’ll be no evidence of widespread wrongness.”
“Ohhh. Uhhh, Ok,” Joe said looking confused. “Where am I?”
But before Biden could be corrected, the machine quickly printed out a report that read:
132,000 new Pennsylvania ballots received:
Thank you for your attempt at democracy
The press was beside themselves with amazement as they leapt to their feet with applause.
“DID YOU SEE THAT?!” Jake Tapper screamed over the roar of the crowd. “IT WORKED PERFECTLY!”
Update: Dominion is happy to report that COVID deaths will reach an all-time high right before the abolishment of capitalism. Once capitalism is defeated, COVID deaths might subside as long as Americans do exactly what they’re told.