HOLLYWOOD, CA–Under the Biden administration, Americans have been reliably informed that biology is a white supremacist. Therefore, moviegoers’ demands have changed.
So naturally, the White House is forcing Paramount Pictures to remake their 1997 film Titanic. A more historically accurate version is in the works with the elimination of the preposterous “women and children first” proclamation. In its place, the film will have people yelling, “Birthing persons and genderfluid youths first!” during the frantic sinking scene.
The new film will position itself for a slew of Oscars by making it a solar-powered slave ship headed to Charlottesville. The ship is somehow damaged by climate change and is eventually saved by getting #StopTheSink and #WokeBoat trending.
“Biden apparently watched my film on TNT and was frightened and disturbed,” director James Cameron said. “They said to make a version that doesn’t make Joe pee his pants with anxiety. But he also pees his pants when he sees the emu on the Liberty Mutual commercials, so we need to walk a fine line.”
Update: The ship’s captain was to be played by Alec Baldwin until Paramount was accused of appropriation because he had never overseen a deadly cataclysmic disaster. Andrew Cuomo will now be playing the role.
Give Us Story Ideas
