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Pelosi: ‘We Looked For Any Records Related To Tara Reade, But Only Found A Sweaty Man Using The Paper Shredder’

Pelosi: ‘We Looked For Any Records Related To Tara Reade, But Only Found A Sweaty Man Using The Paper Shredder’

If you’re accusing the Democrats of not investigating the Joe Biden allegation, you need to just stop it.  This is because yesterday afternoon, Speaker Nancy Pelosi went down to the basement of the senate building herself and looked for any documents related to the Tara Reade accusation.

“As we expected, we found absolutely nothing unflattering on Joe Biden,” Pelosi said, fumbling with her dentures.  “All that was down there was our beloved custodial worker, Stanley.  He was very sweaty and exhausted from using ol’ Justice.”  When members of the press looked confused, Pelosi informed them that ‘Justice’ was the name of the senate’s huge, commercial-grade paper shredder.  “So nothing out of the ordinary, right Shreed’n Stanley?  That’s what we call him,” Nancy said attempting to laugh like a human.     

Just as the speaker’s press briefing was wrapping up, Stanley peaked his head into the conference room and said, “Hey Nance, I finished Biden’s files A through J, but Justice overheated and broke again.  I won’t get to the Reade file until probably Thursday, ok?”

Trying to quickly distract the media, Nancy yelled the first thing that popped into her head. “Yay!  Joe Biden never raped anyone!  $32/per scoop Ice cream for everybody!” 

The DC media erupted with applause and as they partook on Nancy’s favorite flavor (Booze Berry), they congratulated themselves for another day of honest journalism.