Even as the Tara Reade allegations against Joe Biden grow louder, his campaign officials are not worried.
“Are you kidding me?” campaign manager Greg Schultz asked rhetorically. “The first few hours in the day are spent trying to get Joe to remember who his wife is. You think we’re worried about something that happened 27 years ago? Plausible deniability, baby!”
Unfortunately for the Biden campaign, they were only able to carry that confidence for a few days. While Joe was getting mic’d up for an interview with ABC, George Stephanopoulos whispered, “And don’t worry, guys. I would never ask about that pesky Tara Reade story. Just Fig Newton-related questions like we agreed.”
“Tara Reade?!” Biden yelled, startling his staff. “The gal from Truckee? Oh, man. I think that musta been 27 years ago if my math is right. Wow, she was a real buzz-kill– I’ll tell you what!”
Everyone was both panicked and intrigued.
“So you…remember Tara Reade, Joe,” Schultz cautiously asked.
“Remember her? Hell, I—,” but as Biden began to recite a terribly graphic encounter, a staffer wrapped a towel around his head and tackled him to the floor.
Soon Jill Biden was there to help her confused husband to his feet. “What on earth?” Joe snapped. “Buncha dog-faced pony soldiers,” he muttered as he dusted himself off. “Now who the hell was that?!”
“Joe, honey. We needed to stop you from saying some…wild things,” Jill said. “So, he stopped you.”
“No, who are you?” Joe said, pointing to his wife. This scene capped off another deflating day for the campaign team. According to copious note-taking, Tara Reade is now one of five things Joe Biden’s brain can recall.