CHICAGO, IL — Safety comes first. And teachers are not safe if they’re being mauled by wolves while they try to explain long division to 7th graders. This common sense is why teachers’ unions across America have decided to permanently cancel school after a report shows wolf attacks soar to .0002%.
The horrifying and surprisingly brief report is as followed: [Warning: The details are graphic]
On March 8, 1971, a young woman was attacked by a wolf while jogging near Chignik, Alaska. She was treated and made a full recovery.
Once the Chicago union got their mitts on that report, it was clear, the days of educating children were over.
Some racist parents are saying that while it’s technically true wolves have attacked humans, schools don’t face a real statistical threat.
“To those selfish parents I would ask, would you go to work if around every corner there was a .0002% chance of a vicious, blood-thirsty wolf desperate to lunge at your jugular?” a union spokesperson said. “Plus they’re saying that a lot of these COVID deaths may actually be wolf attacks, so the risk is far greater.”
Although the teachers unions can sometimes seem like the bad guy, they were generous enough to offer the nation’s parents the nostalgic feeling of continuing to pay their salaries for the rest of time.
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