Report: All Briefcases Now Being Included In Total Number Of Virus Cases

Report: All Briefcases Now Being Included In Total Number Of Virus Cases

The CDC has announced that they’ve begun including all briefcases in the total number of COVID-19 cases.  The decision came after several Democrat governors demanded more scary numbers so they could force another lockdown.

“This is bad.  We must shut down California,” Gavin Newsom said outside a Sacramento mall.  “Because of Trump, we’ve just learned of a horrifying amount of cases inside this Macy’s.  Dozens and dozens of cases.”

When the media learned that he was refereeing to briefcases, Newsom justified his claims.  “First of all, briefcases are natural carriers.  More importantly, most briefcases are black or brown and because of this, they’re being disproportionally affected.”

Dr. Fauci, who is astonished that the massive flood of testing is churning out test results, said Americans should not come within ten yards of a briefcase or send their kids to school ever again.’ 

“The science is clear.  Whoever says science the loudest wins,” Joe Biden added.  “And this administration should have been counting briefcase cases long ago.  When I’m president, I will insist we also count the bats who have COVID and you’ll never step foot outside your home again.”