If you thought 2020 was a bizarre year before, get a load of this new report from CNN. As the testing from COVID-19 spikes, the result seems to be a dangerous level of test results.
“We’re hearing those results are just pouring in. Nearly as fast as they can test,” Brian Stelter said in a panic. “I know I’m seen as an ultra-professional journalist, but I’m scared. It’s taking everything I have not to pee my pants right now. This is even scarier than Net Neutrality.”
CNN’s report goes on to say that states with Republican governors are seeing a particularly terrifying spike in test results. Florida, for example, had only one test result in mid-February. Now that number is approaching one million.
“That’s a one hundred million percent increase!” Don Lemon squealed in a panic to the camera. “Our testing just topped Italy’s and Trump wants to ‘have an economy’ again? Trump knows as much about this virus as I do about the female body. And ask yourselves this, when every last American finds themself with a COVID test, what will Donald Trump say then?”
Jake Tapper was even more perplexed at the report’s findings and sat motionless during the taping of his new show I’d Tap That With Jake Tapper. Eventually, Tapper’s eyes got wide and he nervously whispered, “Wait a minute. My mom might be at risk for a COVID test!” He sprinted off his set in a panic and abandoned his host duties.
Update: Forty-two minutes of Tapper’s empty chair ended up being one of the network’s better-rated shows.