Great news for you party animals out there. Nightclubs throughout America have re-opened their doors, but due to the coronavirus, will allow only one dancer at a time.
“We think this is a great compromise,” Miami Club owner, Joe-Joe Bananas told The Glorious American. We’ve decided to open The Slippy Banana Peel so people—I mean a person, can have the time of their life. All the while being completely safe from the deadly coronavirus. Plus for a small fee, you get to pick your own music.”
The average nightclub will earn about $25,000 on a Saturday night. However, this new policy is raking in nearly $40 a night explained Vick Venom, owner of Scottsdale, Arizona’s Viper Hole. “Our nation’s youth might have a 0.021% chance of dying from this virus, but at Viper Hole, your chance of having a blast is almost quadruple that!”
Despite club owners’ upbeat attitude, Logan “The Legend” Taylor was third in line at Houston’s Famous Factory O’ Funk and had a horrible time. “I waited two hours to stand on the dance floor alone like a complete douche nozzle?!” Logan screamed upon exiting his forty-five minutes in total isolation. “I’ve been at the crib for ten days, so I was ready to rage with my crew…but I just stood there like a creeper! But I’ll definitely be back next Saturday, assuming ‘Rona doesn’t get me first.”
Update: Joe-Joe Bananas has tested positive for Coronavirus.