ATLANTA, GA — CNN’s 40-year streak of being honorable and trustworthy ended this weekend when the network announced Don Lemon had been fired for repeatedly being a complete retard–something he had been warned about for 17 years while at the network. Thankfully, the always-classy Anthony Weiner has agreed to anchor the 9 PM hour. “You…
Category: Media & Tech
CNN Replaces Don Lemon With Jordan Peterson
ATLANTA, GA — Announced via billboard in front of Don Lemon’s Atlanta condo, CNN revealed Don Lemon Tonight had been canceled. Naturally, Jordan Peterson will be taking his place. Lemon was shocked and demanded answers. “I host the worst-rated show for over a decade, and just because I’m black, I get canceled?” he tweeted. “CNN will be hearing from my lawyers, Michael Cohen…
SeaWorld Cancels Orca Show, Jeremy Immediately Hires Shamu
NASHVILLE, TN–The Daily Wire’s habit of hiring anyone who gets canceled continued Wednesday when founder Jeremy Boreing signed Shamu after SeaWorld said they’d be ending their orca show. The whale’s firing came after a multi-year legal battle centered around Black Lives Matter claiming the animal was black, while the state of Utah argued it was…
Tucker Carlson To Perform Super Bowl Half-Time Show
NEW YORK, NY–After mistakenly thinking all football fans were torch-wielding Black Lives Matter looters, the NFL seems to be correcting course by having Tucker Carlson perform this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. The decision was made after the NFL saw the NBA’s last marquee game lose in the ratings to Animal Planet’s House Cat vs. Laser…
Matt Walsh Suspended For Repeatedly Dangling UFO In Front Of Shapiro Broadcast
NASHVILLE, TN — Matt Walsh has been suspended from The Daily Wire after repeatedly disrupting Ben Shapiro’s show with a small UFO toy attached to a fishing pole. Walsh, who in recent months has been driven insane by reports of UFO sightings, has been desperate to convince Shapiro that aliens are real. “What in sweet…