ATLANTA, GA — CNN’s 40-year streak of being honorable and trustworthy ended this weekend when the network announced Don Lemon had been fired for repeatedly being a complete retard–something he had been warned about for 17 years while at the network.
Thankfully, the always-classy Anthony Weiner has agreed to anchor the 9 PM hour.
“You know me, I always rise to the occasion,” Weiner said on a video call while lying in bed. “CNN called me and said Don was leaving a programming hole that needed to be filled. I agreed so quickly, I blacked out before realizing what had happened.”
All In With Anthony Weiner will begin airing tomorrow, and many media elites believe this is the wholesome show America needs right now.
“Weiner will be probing to get answers to the tough questions,” CNN President Chris Licht said. “When people turn him on, I can definitely predict a bulge in the ratings. Finally, unlike Don, Weiner has never said any inappropriate. So that’s a relief.”
While the network is thrilled to welcome Weiner, there is still the bad press swirling from the Lemon’s awful on-air remarks.
“Saying woman are ‘past their prime’? Can you believe how inappropriate. Frankly, it’s disgraceful,” Jeffrey Toobin said. “If I were Don, I’d be so humiliated. The guy’s a total jerk off who shouldn’t show his face in public. But my friend, Weiner will restore our dignity.”
[@DistefaD contributed to this article. Follow him on Twitter!]
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