Washington, D.C. — Lately, America is learning the depths of Russia’s wrongdoings all over the place.
On Thursday, Jen Psaki revealed that seventeen intelligence agencies have confirmed that it was Vladimir Putin who was responsible for pooping Joe Biden’s pants while visiting the Vatican.
“Russia, in perhaps their stinkiest crime to date, purposefully soiled our classy President’s pants and have yet to apologize,” Psaki said. “They did it to him in Italy, while he was at that children’s hospital and every time following White House fajita night. But what’s really concerning is that some QAnon members believe the poop in Joe’s pants was his own. And that’s nuts.”
Military officials are calling it a ‘pooptin’ and they believe Vladimir will reoffend. The Pentagon is encouraging all Americans to shame Russia by using the hashtag #StopPoopingJoesPants to slow the spread.
“I don’t know how they do it, but it’s a very crappy thing. So much crap,” Jill Biden said sitting next to her husband. “I’m so sure Russia will release another pooptin’ strike, I can just smell it. I can smell it right this moment, in fact. Why would they do this to my Joe?”
Update: In perhaps his most inspiring moment as fictional president, Joe Biden arose from the interview and spontaneously wrapped a nearby American flag around his waist–a clear symbol of strength against the Russian attacks.
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