WASHINGTON, DC – With Diana Ross’s song I’m Coming Out blaring in the House chamber, Kevin McCarthy danced up to the main microphone and, before doing a little twirl, made an announcement that sent shockwaves through D.C.
“Members of Congress, after some deep soul searching, I learned something about myself. And I am here to announce that, as of today, I officially identify as someone who will remain speaker of the House!” McCarthy screamed while doing jazz hands.
Reflexively, House democrats erupted in cheers and tried to schedule a series of surgeries for the new speaker.
“What does that even mean?!” yelled an angry Rep. Matt Gaetz over the applause. “And why did he lick his pointer finger, touch his ass and make that sizzle sound?!”
Sensing a fraction of conservatives were still not impressed with his new persona, McCarthy yelled out a last-ditch appeal:
“C’mon guys, even the Democrats want me as speaker! That’s pretty cool, right?” he stated.
Update: When voting on which catering restaurant to order for dinner, McCarthy told the GOP, “It’s either P.F. Chang’s or we all starve and die.”
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