LAS VEGAS, NV — On Wednesday, the Las Vegas Raiders made a big step in restoring the public’s faith in humanity by hiring famed painter and long-time crackhead, Hunter Biden.
“We chose Hunter because we needed to stop with the bad headlines. It was an easy hire because the whole gang at ESPN adores the kid. Plus, he had been sleeping in one of our parking lots for five weeks,” Owner, Mark Davis said.
But despite Google research showing Hunter being a brilliant and well-spoken gentleman, his introductory press conference got off to a rocky start.
“I guess I’d like to start off by thanking the Las Vegas… R…Ra Rapers for this opportunity,” Hunter said before being corrected on the team name. “Oh, [explicit], for a second, I was like, wow, I could really excel in this role.”
Hunter continued, “And I just want the whole city to know, as coach, I’m going to bring that famous Biden leadership.”
“NO! Please, don’t do that–I’ll give you anything!” the owner screamed in a panic.
When asked about next Sunday’s game, Hunter explained he intends to give the fans what they want.
“I’m starting Brandon at quarterback,” he said. “Whoever that guy is, the whole country is cheering for him.”
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