PERRY, OK — After being excommunicated from the Catholic Church for being catholic, Daily Wire host and gay walrus enthusiast Matt Walsh decided to take a weekend trip to decompress. Naturally, he went to rural Oklahoma to clear his mind.
But his mini-vacation was anything but relaxing. Around 2 am, Walsh got one of his classic hankerings for rainbow sherbet ice cream with extra sprinkles when he was viciously attacked.
“I was leaving the grocery store. I stopped in the parking lot to wash and polish the shopping cart before returning it, as I normally do,” Walsh explained on his podcast. “I had just about finished the wheel realignment when I heard two black women wearing vagina hats scream, ‘This is Kamala country!’ Then they struck me right in the beard.”
The dent in Walsh’s beard was still visible when Oklahoma police took his statement, but detectives grew skeptical about his allegation.
“For one thing, security cameras capture two women approaching Walsh, but neither were black. It’s clear they were the Olsen twins,” an officer said. “In fact, Mary-Kate and Ashley told us that Matt offered to pay them Legacy Box promo codes in exchange for beating the hell out of him. Matt told them the Catholic Church might accept him again if he were a martyr.”
Now, with many people doubting his claims, Matt Walsh is annoyed and angered. A demeanor his fans aren’t used to.
“That dreadful night, as I laid on my back beaten and bloody, staring into the Oklahoma sky, I remember thinking, ‘Is this where America is in 2021?’” the host said. “A best-selling LGBTQ+ author can be savagely abused like this? Also, I remember seeing a bunch of UFOs in the sky. I swear.”
Update: As an act of charity, Shapiro, Klavan, Knowles, and the god-king offered to beat the hell out of Walsh for no charge.
[@DistefaD contributed to this article. Follow him on Twitter!]
Give Us Story Ideas