In perhaps his most heartless move to date, fictional President Joe Biden has decided to abandon roughly two dozen Americans in the savage region of Portland, Oregon.
Biden’s call to officially withdraw came shortly after Portland’s bearded men and women beat down the last few police officers using only a pinecone, three house cats, and a grenade launcher.
“We did not get everybody out who wanted to get out,” Jen Psaki admitted in a somber press briefing. “We must understand the reality on the ground. Portland is a lawless, hellscape of violence and poopy sidewalks. There was simply no way to vet those barbarians properly. And besides, all forty-nine states refused to take any refugees from there.”
“Whatever happened to ‘no man left behind’? How could this senile, old fool just leave our people stranded?” yelled a concerned citizen before learning they were left in Portland. “Oh. Actually, Joe made the right call. Those people have had over twenty years to get their act together. We have zero responsibility to that region.”
Sadly, the few people trapped in Portland who like America are easy to identify.
“They don’t have beards, and they don’t properly cover their faces!” an angry Antifa member shouted. “When we find them, we’ll rip the orange vest off their emotional support dog and call them by their wrong pronouns! I’m obviously kidding. We would never act that ruthless.”
Update: The Americans who want out of Portland have decided to go about it the old-fashioned way. They became members of the Trail Blazers and then demanded a trade to the Lakers.
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