WASHINGTON, DC – According to a new report, Mitch McConnel’s six-minute robocall of him making turtle noises did not inspire the GOP enthusiasm Republicans were hoping for.
“Right during dinner, I got this phone call of someone squawking and quietly yipping. I remember screaming, ‘WHO IS THIS! If this is Mitch McConnel, I swear to God,'” a Wisconsin man relayed. “I was so rattled I forgot to vote.”
It was McConnel. And, despite the robocall’s massive unpopularity, the 108-year-old Democrat who leads the Republicans for some reason insists the call was the right move.
“I’ll ask my opponents, if not little turtle sounds, what would you rather the message be? A total rebuke of Democrats and a detailed pathway toward prosperity? That would be pure gibberish.” he muttered before somehow lowering his head beneath his suit collar.
McConnel went on to say the reason Republicans had lackluster midterm results was due to candidate quality.
“Look at the races we lost. Extremists within the GOP refused to run any turtles, Democrats, or even tortoises. I am proof; voters love slow, fearful candidates who drag their bellies on the ground and refuse to die.”
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