RNC Scrambling to Still Totally Screw This Up

RNC Scrambling to Still Totally Screw This Up

Washington, DC—An uncomfortable reality began to set in last Thursday evening for Republican National Committee staffers. The entirety of the media—even the left wing press—was admitting that Donald Trump had thumped Joe Biden in the CNN spectacle. Biden, who was apparently taken off his usual drug cocktail, seemed sluggish and frequently gazed into space with his mouth wide open like a toddler waiting for his dad to plop a spoonful of food in his mouth. Trump on the other hand was sharp, uncharacteristically disciplined, and focused mostly on policy rather than personal attacks. 

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“It’s gonna be tough to figure out how to screw this up,” one staffer was overheard saying to another at the nearby Bullfeathers bar later that night. “If we put in just the right effort, and listen to all the right local wisdom, we’ll still be able to bungle this one way or another,” the colleague said in an attempt at encouragement. “Nobody can force us to focus on ballot operations or to go for the jugular, and I’ll be damned if we do either of those things.”   

Throughout its rich history of completely sucking and being a model of controlled opposition, this may prove to be the ultimate test for the RNC.  

“Whether its withholding funds out of spite, going all-in on candidates that we know will end up betraying their constituents, or simply being spineless cowards, we have a lot of weapons in our arsenal and we will find a way to serve up victory to the Democrats on a platter. We always do,” said one anonymous senior staffer, who was later seen leaving the bar with his girlfriend, a well-known lobbyist for Raytheon. 

Indications are that RNC staff put in a heavy workload over the weekend in preparation for a busy week ahead.  “We aren’t used to starting a news cycle with an advantage and we are hoping that by Tuesday, we’ll have put some wind back in the Democrats’ sails,” said spokesman Ollie Waspersmith as he straightened his bowtie on a conference call with reporters. 

“If we don’t fail Republican voters, who will?”

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