Portland Replaces All Fire Fighters With Fire Pacifists

Portland Replaces All Fire Fighters With Fire Pacifists

PORTLAND, OR–Portland’s City Council has voted 11-0 to replace all fire fighters with fire pacifists. In a statement, the city reminded the public that they are firmly against all ‘fighters’ except for their 6,000 Antifa members.

“While today marks a huge step backward in terms of fire safety, we take a massive step forward in hiring some of the most noninterventionist Oregonians to deal with our horrible emergencies,” Mayor Ted Wheeler said Friday. “Technically, we couldn’t really find any traditional pacifists, but we did hire as many passive-aggressive members as possible.”

“Thanks for the ceremony, you guys. Whoop de doo,” a member said, twirling his finger in the air. “But I mean, it’s not like any of you would come to help us if our station was on fire, so. Whatever.”

Update: Portlanders in distress have been struggling with the all-passive aggressive team. Exchanges like this have become normal:

Caller: “Please come quick. My house is on fire!”

Fire Pacifist: “Yeah. Sure. We’re on our way, pal.”

Caller: “Dammit! Are you guys really coming? Please just tell me.”

Fire Pacifist: “Ok, first of all, you yelled right in my ear. But I’m fine. I’m not mad.”

Caller: “I’m a Trump supporter.”

Fire Pacifist: “Stay where you are. We’ll send every fire truck and police officer in Portland to your home immediately.”

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