PORTLAND, OR — Pet adoption centers in the Portland area are now encouraging pet owners to trade in their rich, white pets for a more racially sensitive black pet. The plan, according to city officials, is to eradicate these horrible, racist animals from the state completely.
“For the last nine years he’s been my best friend,” said Paul Conner of his yellow lab. “There’s a part of me that’s sad, but now I remember Cooper rolling in the mud once. Looking back, I see he was clearly attempting to do blackface. So this is for the best.”
Sad pet owners like Paul are common, but Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler is addressing these feelings.
“It’s abhorrent to feel bad,” Wheeler scolded. “Racism is so systemic that it systematically stems from a system of… ya know what? Just ditch your white supremacist pets, you guys! Or we’ll have you fired from your job!”
The adoption centers are being very responsible with the white animals being disposed of. “Just throw it in the dumpster out front!” yelled one of the workers. “Don’t bring that privileged beast near me!”
Should Operation Whites All Go (WAG) be successful, Portland is rumored to test this program on citizens who vote Republican.
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