SACRAMENTO, CA — Effective immediately, Gavin Newsom has ordered the book How The Grinch Stole Christmas be moved to the how-to section of all California libraries and bookstores.
“After reading this instructional manual, the science is clear. This furry, green man has laid out a step-by-step plan we must follow,” Newsom said in a press conference. “Using delightful rhymes, he abolished the super spreader event in just one night. No legislation necessary.”
“Moving forward, all California holidays will carefully follow this how-to manual,” Newsom explained.
“I will play the role of the Grinch, and the Soros-backed DA will be Max, the pathetic yet obedient dog,” he explained.
The press conference was then interrupted by a local business owner who told Newsom he had better stop being a tyrant or else he would ‘open up a can of who-hash on his ass.’
“Looks like we’ve got a Cindy Lou Who at 10 o’clock. Get ‘em, boys!” Newsom instructed the police.
Update: After a reporter informed Newsom about the Grinch’s change of heart at the end of the book, the governor responded, “The last three pages of the book shall be removed and burned.”
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