WASHINGTON, D.C. – Since Putin deliberately waited until a perverted, old, beta male was in office to invade Ukraine (after the Democrats specifically asked him not to), Nancy Pelosi courageously announced she would boycott Russian Vodka forever.
She made her declaration at 9:02 am EST. By 9:08 am, she was guzzling a 1.75-liter of Moscow’s Finest while still at the podium.
“Six minutes! Who had six minutes or under?” Mitch McConnell mumbled to his GOP colleagues.
Pelosi, furious with McConnell’s little remark, whipped out her dentures and threw them right at his face. While still glaring at Mitch, she held the empty bottle over her mouth and demanded her staffers tap the bottom of the container so she could get every last drop.
“Alright. Like all Democrats, I must be judged solely by my intentions,” Nancy eventually explained. “And while the Russians must pay, I must keep a permanent buzz to run the House the way our four farters wanted. So we’re going to have to let this whole ‘Putin starting World War three’ thing slide, OK? Their booze is too good. We must give them that.”
After finishing off another bottle, Pelosi then excused herself from the press claiming she ‘needed to drive this off.’
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