NEW YORK, NY–With World War 3 not scheduled until March, MSNBC executives felt their few remaining viewers needed ultra-compelling content. Therefore, the network aired a three-part series on ‘Egguity.’ A new social injustice facing eggs everywhere. The key findings of the report are as follows:
- White eggs are more likely to receive the AA grade than brown eggs.
- Brown eggs are more likely to be beaten by police.
- Recipes that call for the removal of egg yolks are ‘white separatists’ in nature.
Since airing, MSNBC made several demands. Most notably, the immediate cancellation of all Eggbeaters (a weapon of war device famous for glorifying violence.)
The Egguity findings surprised the Biden administration and caused them to scramble. Yesterday’s presidential briefing was scheduled for exactly four minutes – just enough time to cook an egg and to announce the first-ever ‘Eggsecutive Order’ that will require grocery stores to stack brown eggs on top of white eggs in an effort to level the playing field.
In his limited remarks, President Biden offered a mixed breakfast metaphor.
“If you ain’t on top like Corn Pop, then you ain’t a brown egg. Come on, man!”
The President added, “I like ice cream, which has eggs, I think, and some other things. And they should be brown eggs, and the milk too, should be brown. Brown, like my pants are always brown. From now on, everything will be brown–beautiful brown!”
But Biden’s eloquent remarks haven’t helped. Dairy Council meetings nationwide have been marred by complaints from citizens weary of emerging yolk culture. A recent Pen Poll revealed that 63% of eggs now suffer from white guilt as the result of sweeping Critical Egg Theory curricula.
An anonymous dairy farmer may have summed it up best, “The pressure of white guilt can be too much to bear. Many eggs simply crack.”
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