WASHINGTON, DC – Mass panic erupted throughout the nation after the Department of Homeland Security gave their famous color-coded terror watch chart a ‘pride theme.’
“Holy crap, it’s happening! Look at this; I’ve never seen Al-Qaeda this pissed! Everybody run!” screamed a terrified citizen, showing the Department of Homeland’s tweet to everyone in a DC restaurant.
In Tennessee, a man gathered his family in the storm shelter and softly explained, “We’re at horizontal purple over black stripe over triangle, kids. That means we’ll probably all be dead in hours. Maybe minutes.”
As hysteria like this swept across the nation, the Department of Homeland Security released another tweet reading:
“Everyone, please understand this alert is designed to highlight sexuality.”
“THEY’RE GONNA RAPE US FIRST!” Screamed millions as they scrambled away from large metro areas.
Among the most conflicted was South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham.
“On one hand, I want to start a new war and kill millions,” he said on Hannity. “But on the other hand, it sounds like a lotta fun before they have their way wit—-I mean, we must never forget 9/11!”
Update: Donald Trump immediately demanded his rallying cry to be updated to: ‘MAGADA’, standing for ‘Make All Gay Al-Qaeda Dead Again.’
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