Middlebury, Vermont was rocked on Wednesday after the shocking discovery of a local man’s Facebook post. After 32-year-old, Allen Mason wrote, “It’s horrible that these minority communities are being destroyed. This should not happen!” his friends and family faced the grim reality that Allen was a raging white supremacist.
As Allen (who is obviously a heterosexual, white male) was walking to work, a local news van swerved in front of him to see just how racist he was.
Pushing a microphone into his face, an angry reporter yelled, “Excuse me, Allen! You want to explain why you’re a big, fat white supremacist?” Before Allen could respond, the newswoman took her microphone and bashed him over the head with it.
“What the hell?!” Allen said while rubbing his head. “Are you from 106.3 FM?”
In the coming moments, Allen learned that his Facebook post had cost him his girlfriend, his job and his sack lunch (newslady).
“I am NOT a white supremacist! I just personally don’t think that minority communities should be burnt to the ground!” he yelled as everyone around him gasped and collapsed.
Allen’s next few moments got even worse. He received a text from his landlord that explained he was evicted. An alert from Verizon saying they were deactivating his cellular plan and a notice from GAP informing that they would like their clothes back immediately.
Now standing alone, homeless and naked, Allen became so frustrated he grabbed a chair off a nearby lawn and threw it through the glass window of a Starbucks.
Update: Because he destroyed a business, the state of Vermont has fully reinstated Allen back into their progressive community.