CHICAGO, IL — On Wednesday, Chicago citizens (and non-citizens) decided they weren’t fond of being shot in the ass anymore, and Lori Lightfoot lost her reelection bid.
In a bizarre concession speech, the bug-like creature announced she had grown tired of “inclusion” and said it would only socialize with people who look like…it.
“For years everything was, ‘let’s be friendly to Mexicans and whites and Asians,’ and I’ve just had it up to here with inclusion!” Lightfoot yelled, holding her hand above her head (reaching three feet high). “Why do I have to put up with people who look different than me? Everyone else looks kinda weird.”
Naturally, the former mayor unwittingly imposed a strict solitary confinement order upon herself and is now trying to seek companionship.
“If you know of any human on Earth who looks anything like me, please contact me immediately,” a lonely Lightfoot said in a video. “Do you know an adult whose head looks like a baby’s? Please give me their phone number. Do you know of a person whose eyes are fixed on the side of their head like a parrot? I would be very interested in connecting with them.”
Update: Lori Lightfoot has befriended Moe from The Simpsons.
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