WHITE PLAINS, NY –The popular men’s haircare brand, Just For Men, has been labeled a vicious hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. In a recent wave of nationwide protests, a brave woman held up a sign reading: “More like, Just for Nazis!”
The sign prompted the Biden administration to open up an investigation of the company.
In a detailed report, the DOJ outlines how the company has been blatantly furthering the debunked stereotype that women don’t grow thick-flowing beards. Even worse, the report makes reference to the hateful idea that women don’t need to make stylish improvements to their salt and pepper stubble.
“So, this horrible company is claiming us legitimate women can’t grow a beard?” Michelle Obama yelled in her trademark baritone voice. “Because I’ll bet 200 million dollars of laundered Ukrainian aid that I can grow a luscious beard that would make James Harden blush!”
Discouraged that no one was willing to wager with her, Michelle eventually turned the outrage reins over to Harvey Weinstein defender Gloria Allred.
“If a woman so much as looks at a box of Just For Men at a Target, she’s attacked by one of the patriarchy’s minions, one can assume!” Allred shrieked to The Glorious American. “I, for one, find this whole situation so distressing. My beard is coming in all patchy and inconsistent. I worry I won’t be able to grow proper facial hair until after I win this $950 million lawsuit.”
Update: The small brush that’s included in the Just for Men beard kit is now being used as a possible modification to attach to the business end of an AR-15.
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